Wikipedia sees sarcasm as "a bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt". We are not here to explore definitions because our day to day mannerisms are replete with sarcasm, both consciously or unconsciously, with little time to reflect on the impact it has on the 'recipients.'
You see a woman with five daughters and no son, and instead of asking her after children, you mischievously ask her after her ' girls. ' You suddenly request a student in your class who stammers uncontrollably to pronounce  ten syllable words in quick succession, obviously to elicit laughter from watchers. When you always refer to the story of Abraham and Sarah when you are in the mist of childless women, what do you have in mind, be honest. The list is endless.

The way people take sarcastic statements varies from person to person,just as the reason for reeling out such statements varies from person to person. Some use sarcasm as a kind of joke! Joke? Many do so having in mind to genuinely hurt the person. While many get hurt, a few take it in their stride. Whichever, sarcasms are hurting, a type of, "expensive jokes"  no one takes pleasure in receiving. When you mock people, you are not sure if what awaits you is of a higher scale, for no one prays for misfortunes :they simply find their way in.

However, when someone sees you in the morning and asks you if you have woken up (when it is obvious), your decision to give such a person a sacarstic reply depends on your relationship with the person. For instance, if your friend sees you answer a call and suddenly asks,  "did you just speak with someone on phone?" and you tell him it was spirits that you spoke with, laughter settles it. But if it were your boss, you dare not. So, be careful. You have to realize that Africans are naturally sarcastic. Your roommate sees you stepping out of your house and asks "are you going out?"  Imagine you just swallowed a heap of tablets, and someone by the side asks, " are you sick? " as if you are swallowing sweets or perhaps there are drugs meant for people who are well. That is Africans for you, and no one can claim not to have used such. You see mangoes, oranges and pineapples on sale and you ask the seller, "are these fruits?"  No, they are trees. Funny enough, you take a girl out, break the bank for her, satisfy her material and emotional needs, and she asks you,  " do you love me? as if she would take no for an answer. My friend saw me sweeping and arranging my room and asked me if I was arranging my room. I told him I was scattering it, he took offence.

Sometimes, questions that sound sarcastic may not really be, especially in a classroom setting. Students can ask seemingly  'stupid questions'  out of ignorance, and it behoves of the teacher to give explicit answers, not deride such student. I once asked a teacher the opposite of driver since the opposite of drawer is drawee and she sarcastically answered, ' drivee. ' The whole class laughed at my ignorance. Till today, I have not forgiven that teacher!

So, be careful how you   'flex'  your sarcastic talent. It may land you in trouble someday. For creative writers, it could make a wonderful literary device. To the average user, be careful....

Chukwudi Anagbogu (08063305177)

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ITEM 7 (REFRESHMENTS)... HOW COME?
Chukwudi Anagbogu

From time immemorial, the use of 'item 7'  to refer to Refreshments has permeated nearly every individual in our society. Our parents grew up with it, and we are not left out, so are our children. This particular item is one every one looks forward to in every occasion, whether religious, academic or social. A lot of people intentionally attend feasts late, with the hope of skipping the first six items. They just want to breeze in just at the right time, when the 'sharimg'  is on. It is no longer a new spectacle where people, even supposed gentlemen and ladies scramble for food and drinks during occasions. We shall talk about that subsequently. But, while we devour our ' item sevens', have we ever taken time to imagine the mastery behind it?  Have you not noticed that with or without being the seventh item on the programme list, we still scream  "item 7", whenever we feel it was time for refreshments. Noticeably refreshments do not always fall on the seventh item. Sometimes it comes before or after.

There is no record of a definite date, reason, incident or occasion that gave rise to this, but it is understood to be centuries old (I stand to be corrected on this). Some are of the opinion that the use of item 7 to mean refreshments actually demonstrates the significance of the seventh day among Christians (the day God rested after creation). According to them, the seventh day is supposed to be a day for dinning and winning, and complete rest from work. Hmmm, what a theory. Thus, people are won't to place refreshments as the seventh item in any occasion, while exhausting the first six on the core issues surrounding such occasion, typical of the creation story. Trust Africans, we ascribe religion to virtually everything that happens to us.

It could equally be that in a bid to sustain the presence and attention of guests, refreshments is deliberately made a distant seventh item. Imagine a scenario when refreshments is made the second or third item. People would just eat and take their leave! But it is important to note that people don't even go through the programme schedule, so it is unlikely that they simply wait it out to the seventh item. What if the programme list exhausts at item five, or there is no specified item for refreshments? The fact remains that it has become a norm for guests to become agitated if after a certain period of time, there is no sign of bottles and plates. Funny enough, no host has been able to adequately satisfy all his guests.  There must be complaints. Some would drink ten bottles of beer while some would not even see one to drink!

Let's have your own opinion on the origin of  "item 7"

How she met her husband 

 Uptil now, Eby still does not have the true idea of what brought she and her husband together. As a friend to her husband Ken, each time I remember the incident on campus many years ago that eventually culminated to the marriage of the duo, I smile sheepishly. Needless to say, I was a key actor in the relationship between Ken and Eby, right from the outset, perhaps because I was the brainchild behind the 'tactics ' that saw Ken win over her. 

Eby was the sanctimonious type on campus. If you could not find her in her room or at the library, you would definitely see her at the church. She wore what was known as "Mary -amaka ", a type of clothing that covered all her body parts with the exception of the face. We were course mates, but I was two years ahead. Because of the glaring differences we had as regards lifestyle, I hardly harboured any amorous thoughts about her, not minding her unrivalled beauty. For a very beautiful girl to be churchy always raised eyebrow. Some of such girls use such churchy looks to mask their wayward lives.  That's by the way. 

It was on a Saturday that my secondary school classmate Ken approached me, telling me about a certain girl in my department whom he admires, and had been making all attempts to woo without success.. Lo and behold, it was the same sanctimonious Eby. Ken wanted me to "help" him out using my influence as the president of my department, or better still school him on the best strategy to adopt in what he termed, " the journey of love." The greatest challenge Ken told me he had was the churcheous nature of Eby, as it was believed that such girls were difficult to get, especially people like him who were 'of the world. '.

"why not join her fellowship. That way, there would be something common that would bring you both together, " I suggested.

"There's nothing I've not done, bro, "he answered before continuing, "I even started attending her church, but she didn't budge. She is too smart for such."

I paused for a while. I had wanted to hands off the matter, (after all, Ken was supposed to be a man), but I felt like helping Ken, but how, I didnt know. He was very helpful to me during our secondary school days, that I felt indebted to him. So, I decided to help him, the same way I had helped my roommate. That was the last resort, and if it failed, there would be no point still going after her.  I told Ken the plan I had for him. At first, he looked unconvinced, but when I painted the picture clearer to him, he was game!

Thus, three days later, precisely by 8pm, Eby was as usual returning from the Mid-Week prayer meeting. She had had to trek home through the lonely path that led to her hostel because at that time, it was impossible to hitch a ride. Before she walked half way, two young men emerged from the nearby bush and menaced towards her, both armed with pistols.
"if you move further we shall blow your head off! "one of them let out. She was visibly frightened, that she could not utter a word. She wanted to plead with them to let her leave, but the moment the other person mentioned 'rape',  she had no choice but to scream for help. As the young men pounced on her, about to devour her, a young man rushed to the scene with a big club shouting, "will you let her be or you get killed! "

"who are you? "one of the guys asked making for his pistol.
"you are surrounded by the anti -cult, so don't touch that gun! " the man shouted running towards the scene. The two men abandoned the lady and took to their heels. The young
man held the lady by the hand.

"I hope they didn't hurt you, "he said lifting her to her feet.
"No....please who..... are you? "she asked slightly disengaging herself from him.
He flash the torch on his own face and asked her, "you remember me? "
She was shocked. "The same guy I saw at the fellowship last week? What are you doing here? "she asked perplexed, but a bit more relaxed.

"I was returning from another fellowship in town, when I heard you screaming. I didn't even know you are the one, but I  needn't ask what was wrong. This road is always dangerous especially at night, and a lot of students have fallen victim to hoodlums here. So I decided to try and save whoever it was that had the voice, "he responded, sounding so honest and convincing.

"Thank God you came, I was almost raped. But,what if they had shot you.. they were actually armed with guns, "she said.
"Sister you have to hurry home. It's getting darker and more dangerous, "he said almost dragging her along.

"I am so scared... I can't even go home alone, and I can't even stay alone in my room. Most of my female neighbors travelled and I'm all left alone. Please can you take me home. "
He obliged and escorted her home and to crown it all, he spent the night in her room at her own insistence!

That was the beginning of the love story between Eby and the man that 'saved' her, Ken. Of course, her parents had called to register their gratefulness to him for 'risking his life ' for their daughter.

Eby and Ken actually wedded two months ago and I think it's high time Ken told her the truth about the stage -managed episode.. It wouldn't make any difference anyway, as both are now love birds. I  will remain happy that my 'unbelievable ' plan once again worked for my friend. I hope God will forgive me, for I do not want to get my own spouse the same way.

Copyright : chukwudi Anagbogu (08063305177)

Wither distant relationships?
By chukwudi Anagbogu (08063305177)
www.facebook.com/chuuchuu

Keeping distant relationships has been in vogue from time immemorial. From married couples to 'hit and run' couples, the list of those in it is endless.

The difficult economic situation has made it seemingly inevitable for lots of couples, especially the males to stay far from their spouses and families in the case of married couples. It is very difficult to secure high-paying jobs anywhere today, irrespective of your academic qualifications. Therefore when one manages to secure one, one jumps at it without considering the proximity of the job location to one's place of abode. Many couples stay from months to years without setting their eyes on each other!

The coming of ICT and GSM has made communication easier quite all right, but remember that "out of sight is out of mind. " That you call your spouse ten times a day or chat with him/her on all the social media every second cannot be a substitute for physical presence.

One needs one's partner around, if not every time at least within short intervals. The frustration at having your matrimonial bed all to yourself from day to day is unquantifiable, particularly when you are ill or emotionally needy. Phone calls or social networking cannot comfort, hug and of course make love to you when the need arises (no one is statue.)

More so, a lot if children are morally and academically bankrupt because of the absence of either of the parents, mostly fathers. Children are best raised in homes where both parents are available.

Money is not everything. It is important for couples to work out modalities that will see them spend more time with themselves. In a case where either of them does a job that makes occasional transfers inevitable, the other should sacrifice his or her own job and make sure they are together. A troubled relationship will make nonsense of all your "moneymaking."

However strong the trust you have for your spouse, the less you see the fellow, the less the bond. Suspicions will crop up. Accusations and counter-accusations will become the order of the day. As a man, wherever you wish to relocate to, if there's no provision to bring your family over, do not go ahead with the relocation!

On a lighter note ,I don't believe in "courtship in absentia." A lot of people 'in love' have not really met their "lovers"  in real life.  Some meet and even court in the social media. That one is a story for another day.

As it is said in some places,  "it is who that is seen that is remembered." What your spouse needs most is your physical presence and attention. So, if you are desirous of having a blissful union, do not contemplate engaging in a distant relationship, else it won't be long before your eyes open!

We shall be getting you series of commonly misused words in English. In this debut publication, we have 20 misused words and their correct usage.

We’re all tempted to use words that we’re not too familiar with. If this were the only problem, I wouldn’t have much to write about. That’s because we’re cautious with words we’re unsure of and, thus, they don’t create much of an issue for us. It’s the words that we think we’re using correctly that wreak the most havoc. We throw them around in meetings, e-mails and important documents (such as resumes and client reports), and they land, like fingernails across a chalkboard, on everyone who has to hear or read them. We’re all guilty of this from time to time, myself included.

When I write, I hire an editor who is an expert in grammar to review my articles before I post them online. It’s bad enough to have a roomful of people witness your blunder—it’s something else entirely to stumble in front of 100,000! The point is, we can all benefit from opportunities to sharpen the saw and minimize our mistakes. Often, it’s the words we perceive as being more correct or sophisticated that don’t really mean what we think they do. There are 20 such words that have a tendency to make even really smart people stumble.

Have a look to see which of these commonly confused words throw you off.

Accept vs. Except

These two words sound similar but have very different meanings. Accept means to receive something willingly: “His momaccepted his explanation” or “Sheaccepted the gift graciously.” Exceptsignifies exclusion: “I can attend every meeting except the one next week.” To help you remember, note that bothexcept and exclusion begin with ex.

Affect vs. Effect

To make these words even more confusing than they already are, both can be used as either a noun or a verb. Let’s start with the verbs. Affect means to influence something or someone; effectmeans to accomplish something. “Your job was affected by the organizational restructuring” but “These changes will be effected on Monday.” As a noun, aneffect is the result of something: “The sunny weather had a huge effect on sales.” It’s almost always the right choice because the noun affect refers to an emotional state and is rarely used outside of psychological circles: “The patient’s affect was flat.”

Lie vs. Lay

We’re all pretty clear on the lie that means an untruth. It’s the other usage that trips us up. Lie also means to recline: “Why don’t you lie down and rest?” Lay requires an object: “Lay the book on the table.” Lie is something you can do by yourself, but you need an object to lay. It’s more confusing in the past tense. The past tense of lie is—you guessed it—lay: “I lay down for an hour last night.” And the past tense of lay is laid: “I laid the book on the table.”

Bring vs. Take

Bring and take both describe transporting something or someone from one place to another, but the correct usage depends on the speaker’s point of view. Somebody bringssomething to you, but you take it to somewhere else: “Bring me the mail, then take your shoes to your room.” Just remember, if the movement is toward you, use bring; if the movement is away from you, use take.

Ironic vs. Coincidental

A lot of people get this wrong. If you break your leg the day before a ski trip, that’s not ironic—it’s coincidental (and bad luck). Ironic has several meanings, all of which include some type of reversal of what was expected. Verbal irony is when a person says one thing but clearly means another. Situational irony is when a result is the opposite of what was expected. O. Henry was a master of situational irony. In his famous short story The Gift of the Magi, Jim sells his watch to buy combs for his wife’s hair, and she sells her hair to buy a chain for Jim’s watch. Each character sold something precious to buy a gift for the other, but those gifts were intended for what the other person sold. That is true irony. If you break your leg the day before a ski trip, that’s coincidental. If you drive up to the mountains to ski, and there was more snow back at your house, that’s ironic.

Imply vs. Infer

To imply means to suggest something without saying it outright. To infermeans to draw a conclusion from what someone else implies. As a general rule, the speaker/writer implies, and the listener/reader infers.

Nauseous vs. Nauseated

Nauseous has been misused so often that the incorrect usage is accepted in some circles. Still, it’s important to note the difference. Nauseous means causing nausea; nauseated means experiencing nausea. So, if your circle includes ultra-particular grammar sticklers, never say “I’m nauseous” unless you want them to be snickering behind your back.

Comprise vs. Compose

These are two of the most commonly misused words in the English language.Comprise means to include;compose means to make up. It all comes down to parts versus the whole. When you use comprise, you put the whole first: “A soccer game comprises (includes) two halves.” When you use compose, you put the pieces first: “Fifty states compose(make up) the United States of America.”

Farther vs. Further

Farther refers to physical distance, whilefurther describes the degree or extent of an action or situation. “I can’t run anyfarther,” but “I have nothing further to say.” If you can substitute “more” or “additional,” use further.

Fewer vs. Less

Use fewer when you’re referring to separate items that can be counted; useless when referring to a whole: “You havefewer dollars, but less money.”

Bringing it all together

English grammar can be tricky, and, a lot of times, the words that sound right are actually wrong. With words such as those listed above, you just have to memorize the rules so that when you are about to use them, you’ll catch yourself in the act and know for certain that you’ve written or said the right one.

(c) Travis Bradberry, June 2015

To be continued 

This topic is one that generates understandable controversy among people. As with several other topical issues, people's opinions are diverse. When is the right time for a male or a female to get married?

Everyone frowns at 'early marriage'.  In fact, many 'reasonable' parents would chase you out of their homes if you ever attempt to come for their 'under-aged' daughters' hand in marriage. Legally, a female less than sixteen is considered not ready for marriage while a boy should be at least eighteen before mooting marriage. Even at that, many still are not at home with the 'sixteen' and 'eighteen' years maturity age for females and males respectively.


Due to the increasing  demand for western  education, the popular opinion is that a person is only ready and mature for marriage when the fellow is through with tertiary education, and perhaps in the case of men, secure gainful employment. In the case of men, this is understandable, however in the case of women, I beg to differ.


These days, children mature a lot faster. As young as nine years, a lot of girls attain puberty these days, and thus begin to exhibit the attendant behavioural transformations that go with such stage. Due to exposure to and poor censorship of the internet and home videos, as well as peer pressure, children start having sexual relations at a very young age. Therefore, parents who vouch for their children's 'innocence' may be made to eat their words when they eventually discover how far their children have gone!


Go to our university campuses, you will see a lot of campus 'couples' living together as though they are married. They stay together under the same roof only for most of them to go their separate ways after graduation owing to irreconcilable differences. Was it not better if they had just married formally, at least for the sake of morality?


Early marriage is different from premature marriage. As far as I  am concerned, any girl that has attained the age of puberty and as well completed a minimum of secondary school education is ready for marriage. Happily, there are a lot of testimonies of women who gained tertiary education while in their husbands houses, and still achieved their dreams! Is it not better to live with a husband than waste valuable time with playboys, sugar daddies and the lots. Which one is more time consuming? Girls who are quick to play down the importance of marriage by saying that 'marriage is not everything' has not feted with the plethora of single 'made' ladies who even with their fame and fortune, still lead emotionally bankrupt lives. Some of them pretend to be happy and undaunted, but we know the truth.


A lot of abortions would have been averted if girls who did such had channelled their feminine strength on their legally married husbands than on 'hit and run' guys. Some of these girls claim not to be ready for marriage, but would end up in prayer houses later in life in search of 'life partners.'


Marriage may not be the only yardstick to measure one's achievements, but it's something that is socially, religiously and psychologically satisfying. Marriage has spurred a lot of people to attain success, while its demands have weighed down others who rushed into it without being psychologically and perhaps financially ready for it. But come to think of it, if you can be in romantic relationship with as much as ten men at a time, don't you think you are simply deceiving yourself thinking that you are not ripe for marriage? To be continued...

Chukwudi Anagbogu